The Weight of Dedication

TW: eating disorder & mental health struggles

I saw this photo today and was immediately transported back. I’ve actively tried to avoid ever showing any sort of “before & after” photos. Even though I am healthier and stronger now, those kinds of images can be harmful. Even when we mean well, those comparisons often reduce recovery to appearance. They imply that one body is “better” than another, and that can be triggering for people in all stages of their journey. Recovery isn’t a transformation you can always see. Sometimes it looks the same on the outside but feels completely different on the inside. That’s the part I care about.

But this photo felt different because it isn’t a photo of my body. It’s a photo of my face and my expression, and I can see the deep pain hiding beneath it.

𝟔 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐨 𝐭𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲, 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 “𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝” 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐮𝐠𝐛𝐲. Quite literally giving it my all.

Behind this smile, I was battling an eating disorder. I thought I was giving everything for the game, but really, I was disappearing. I was tired, depleted, and convinced that shrinking myself would make me stronger.

It didn’t.

I wasn’t better. I was breaking. My increase in speed and endurance was short lived. I ended up back in an intensive outpatient program…for the second time…and would eventually end up back there a third time a few years later.

I remember realizing I had hit rock bottom when I couldn’t even hold a ruck pad for my teammates without falling over. That is normally something I take pride in - being able to allow my teammates to run into me and hit a ruck pad as hard as they want while I hold it. Because normally I can give and take a hit all👏damn👏day👏

Recovery hasn’t been a straight line. I still have really hard days…days where loving my body feels like a fight. It’s something that takes intention and practice. It doesn’t come naturally. But now I’m fighting for myself, not against me.

Rugby showed me: your body isn’t something to punish, it’s something to protect. It’s your armor. Your home. Your superpower.

And rugby wants you to live your life and be your best self. Rugby loves you at the exact size you’re supposed to be, whatever size that is. There’s always a place for you and a way for you to succeed. Rugby NEEDS body diversity.

If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. There’s so much life on the other side of survival.

You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to earn food. You don’t have to earn love.

You already deserve it. Exactly as you are.

#EDRecovery #ThisIsRecovery #RugbyBody #AthletesWithEDs #StrongerNow #BodyRespect #StillStanding